It is 2 pm and we just arrived home after our "Birth Mother Meeting". This morning we packed up three bags of toys for her boys (Taylor-8, Nathan-4, and Gabriel-3) stopped to get a flower arrangement of tulips for Mandy and headed out for the 50 minute drive to the Chik fil-a. We got there at 10 on the dot and both Mandy and Deasree were there waiting for us. Even with all of our nerves we seemed to connect right away and slipped easily into conversations that ranged from her telling us a little about herself (she has a special talent for knowing what is being said in other languages even though she hasn't studied them, is/was a singer, etc.) to talking about what she wants during the birth (me to be there during and us to stay in the room with her that night after the baby is born! YAY!) to stories about her boys (especially Nathan who has some mental deficiencies because of complications during his birth...this is the answer to why she is now induced for those who knew that). She is an intelligent and straightforward person. She told us that this pregnancy was the result of a lonely evening and some faulty birth control. Oops. She talked openly about Nathan and his challenges and that his needs are the main reason behind her looking into adoption...he takes most of her attention. All during our talk, Nathan and 
Gabe, the little one, were playing in the play place and coming out to take bites of sandwiches, fries, and for Gabe to welcome pretty much everyone who came into the building. At one point, I even earned a kiss on my arm from Gabe...Deasree said she still hadn't gotten a kiss from either of the boys, so I must have been doing pretty good. Mandy held my eye contact most of the time we were talking. She was emphatic about wanting me to be there for the birth because she wanted me to be able to bond with the baby from the very beginning. She also told Ken, "Sorry, I don't think I can have you in there during the birth" to which Ken answered, " That is ok with me, I wasn't sure about that part anyway!" And was equally emphatic later in the conversation that she wants us to stay in the hospital room with her that night as she will have the baby stay in her room and wants us to be there to make decisions and do the feedings and see if we change her when she is wet! I am so very excited about this as I wasn't sure if we would be allowed to be there...by her more than the hospital people. They said there are two bracelets and I will get the second one, so I will have full access to everything.
I am getting ahead of myself a little bit though. There is an ultrasound coming up...she thought on the 23rd of this month and wants us to come to that. We are to bring a CD so we can get the record of it. I have a feeling it will quickly become my new favorite movie. She also said she had one from an earlier ultrasound that she had meant to give us today, so we will get that later. She said that she has never been quick to bond to her kids, and that with this one she is being careful to keep a bit of distance. She is thinking of the baby as our baby. Mandy said she really wanted us to make her feel better about choosing adoption and that we were doing so. She needed to know that the baby would be loved. I reassured her and told her how important it is to us that she picked us and then told her about all of you and your anticipation for us and how ready you all are to meet the baby and start the reasonable spoiling.
The meeting ended with hugs and see you soon's and I think we are feeling a little less stressed now... I mean, we are still waiting to be parents after all.
Ok, so now the reality check that you need to keep in mind...
This week the birth father showed up at her house for the first time since she got pregnant (25 weeks). He had heard she was pregnant. His response was "I thought you were on something". Which she was. He did say he would support her decision to make the adoption plan. He also said he couldn't believe he would never see her. She told him that she was asking for photos and letters and that he could probably do the same. She hasn't heard from him since then (but that was just Monday, so he is probably processing).
The birth father can do one of two things now...1- sign a waiver of his rights. This is the easy one and is just binding when it happens. Deasree is hoping to be able to make this happen before the birth. or 2- he could not show up again. Then we would have to wait for 4 months after the birth, then post an ad for 4 weeks in the local paper. If he doesn't respond, then it is an abandonment thing. If he comes around and wants to contest the adoption plan, they will try to get him declared neglectful since he hasn't done anything for her so far.
Deasree isn't worried about this part and feels she will be able to talk to him before the birth...but it is something that has to be worked out for this to be finalized.
Mandy can change her mind at any time. She doesn't seem like she will, but you just never know and it is her right to do so. After the baby is born, she will have to sign papers to surrender her parental rights. This puts the baby in the care of Catholic Charities, who instantly does a placement agreement with us so we take the baby home. My understanding is that we will take her home directly from the hospital, but that the official surrender sometimes isn't signed for a week to a week and a half, the earliest it can be signed is 4 days after the baby is born, then there is a court date. Deasree says Mandy will want it to be done right away as that is how she functions. From the date it is signed, Mandy still has 10 days to go to court to take back her parental rights (11 or 12 if the 10 lands on the weekend or a holiday).
With both of these things done, the baby is officially ours, but we will still wait 6 months for a court date that is the official finalization of the adoption. This is a state law. This is just a formality though, noone can take the baby back during this time...well, I guess Catholic Charities if we were bad parents or something.
Toward the end of the meeting, we talked about the "openness" of adoption. She is only asking for letters and photos in the first years as she thinks it will be easier for her to let go. We told her that we will be happy to do that, and that we are open to meetings if she changes her mind or decides she needs more. When I said that, she did mention that when we drove by on the way to Iowa, she wouldn't mind a quick stop to say hello, or maybe meeting for lunch or shopping once a year. She also said that she will want to send the baby Christmas and Birthday presents. This makes me feel good about things. I want a connection for our baby at least with Mandy if not "D" (the birth father) as well.
Anyhoo, that basically sums it all up. It is looking good. We like her, she likes us.
Sigh...one step down.
Sigh...one step down.
Lib and Ken
